Hello to Honesty: God is my Shepherd

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalms 23:1-6 ESV

 

A few know that I had moved and have been living in a different state for some time. I had prayed about the move for a while and felt it was where God was sending me.

I don’t know how long the duration of my stay is and I have accepted that now. Since I dropped out of college because things didn’t go as I had planned, I said I was going to stop controlling everything in my life. As always, saying it and doing it are two different things.

From my earlier posts, I have indicated that I am the epitome of the prodigal son. Straying from the intended path dozens of times only to come back defeated by the world.

I am in a constant struggle with my faith because I cannot let go of control. The idea of leaving everything and I mean everything in God’s hands astonishes me. It leads me to doubt His plans and His love for me.

When I talked to myself (who doesn’t?) about how silly I am for continuously doubting, I literally looked up to the ceiling of my old bedroom and told Him, “Alright Lord. This is it. I’m giving it all to you. You told me you have better things for me. If me moving to a different state is part of my path, please be my guide.”

As I said before, it is easier said than done.

It’s interesting how much I learned about myself again in the week that I’ve lived away from home. Everyone close to me knows how dramatic I am and how much I cry. I have k-drama tears. When they fall, they fall continuously.

There are a lot of hurdles for me and I have this gnawing feeling to run away back home to what feels familiar. The safety net I had when I lived in NC was gone and I was scared. I thought about moving back home because home was all I knew. I began a downward spiral of not wanting to do this and that. I was convincing myself that God’s plan to send me up here must have been a mistake.

Doubt and anxiety weeded their way into my heart and my mind. I caused a lot of unnecessary hardships for everyone because I was dramatic lashing out

Lately when I’m in these tiffs with myself, I get so distracted that I miss God’s reassurances. It isn’t until my tears have stopped for the third time that evening when He tells me to stop stressing out. He tells me there is no need for these tears even after I had cried to my usual list of people. It isn’t until I have finished throwing a tantrum when a sense of calm that only He can instill befalls on me.

This whole week reminds me of an article I read when I was doing a bible study lesson on Psalms 23. Rereading this made me laugh because everything I did is similar to the description of sheep in the bible. (Click this link to read the article)

 

I know I have written about the same things countless times. It is becoming repetitive but these are the issues that I deal with almost every day. I share these thoughts in hope of letting people know they aren’t alone in their struggles. I may not have my usual safety net but I know that He has me in his hands and that He will not let me fall. He is there to guide me.

As always…

Live long and prosper,

Ellen J. V.

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