Trigger warning. Please read at your own volition.
It’s been one month since Jonghyun’s passing.
I haven’t listened to any songs by SHINee because it’s still too painful for me. On my phone I have a separate playlist titled “Exclude S” so I wouldn’t listen to any of them on shuffle.
I’m not grieving the life that is gone anymore. Just left with incredible sadness on top of my other emotions as I reminisce the concert I attended in March of 2017.
You know, at that time a lot of people were going to see BTS. I did too but didn’t have the funds at the time of the tickets sales. But when SHINee announced their tour dates, I scrounged whatever money I had to make that trip possible. I remember a coworker of mine asked if I took off work to go see BTS but I proudly announced that I was going to see SHINee. They are one of the greatest loves of my life.
I assume almost all of the fans have read Key’s posted letter on his Instagram by now and hope you all continue supporting them as I plan to as well. As Key wrote in his letter, he’s moving on and getting back into the routine of life. I completely understand him. I will also fight whoever gives him or any of the other member flack for doing so.
Life moves on and honestly it’s difficult to move with it. I lived in the past for a while. I desperately wished for things to be the way they once were.
In S. E. Hilton’s The Outsiders, (if I am remembering this correctly) Ponyboy wrote or read something along the lines that “…nothing gold can stay…”. That’s the only line from the book that has stayed with me all these years and I didn’t understand its meaning as of late.
Some fleeting “gold” moments in my life are the kpop events that I attended, the times I get to laugh with friends and family, when I’m reading a book before bed, or when I’m finally home by myself and blast my music just to drown out my creaky voice.
I try my best to never ridicule others for their hobbies and interests. There are countless times I catch myself doing it and then chastise myself for doing so. If it makes them happy and no one, not even themselves are harmed, then there shouldn’t be a problem.
Since Jonghyun decided to leave this world on his own terms, endless questions plagued my mind as to why. I’ve come to terms that my questions will never have answers and I think it’s best if they don’t.
It still pains me to know that someone who shined so bright in my life felt similarly to the way I do. It breaks my heart that there weren’t enough gold moments in his life to live for.
So to all of my fellow humans out there, as much as we hope and pray, the gold doesn’t last but the impression does. The elation you feel in that moment or each moment is more of a reason to keep going. It is completely fine to live one gold moment at a time. But please, just keep going. Life in itself is so beautiful and I don’t want anyone to miss it.
I end this post with much love and with the iconic phrase said by Mr. Spock…
Live long and prosper,
Ellen J. V.