I would like to say this post took me about five hours to write. If you continue further, you can read how the language from the beginning of the post towards the end change. So please be aware that I did write several cuss words. As I edited this post, I decided to not take those words out. This is the most honest post (well…as honest as I am willing to be) I’ve written to share with you all.
Motivation. What is motivation? Is it the feeling that grows inside when faced with a hurdle to make it to the other side? Is it the itchy feeling you get in the back of your mind when you know you’re supposed to be doing something but avoid it at all costs until the absolute last second? Can it be jarred and reopened until needed? If it can, please let me know. I’d like to invest in that. I need some motivation to write more and expand on the topics I want to share.
The topic of this post is the same as my previous posts. I feel like I’m always writing about this but it’s so important. Maybe if I keep writing about it, I will finally believe I’ve changed.
Many people go through their lives trying to find their niche in the world. I’ve spent many nights reading, watching dramas, and whatever is on Netflix to distract myself from the thought that I haven’t found my niche. I haven’t found the meaning for my life.
When I was ten or eleven years old, I was introduced to kpop. I know some of you have heard me say I’ve been a kpop fangirl for ten plus years. What many people didn’t know kpop was what started my hope to be a singer.
Growing up in the States, there were no Asian singers (I am still waiting, America). So seeing all of these singers who are so loved inspired me. I was entranced by the idea of touring around the country and moving people with my music. I came to the realization that I wasn’t good at all. I’ve met some amazing people who have such powerful voices. It would be embarrassing if I were to pursue the same dream. So I gave it up.
Next I thought of becoming a wedding planner. I used to cut out pages from wedding catalogues of dresses I liked. I made notes about the dress shapes, necklines, sleeves, and dress lengths. I would cut out pictures of bouquets and wedding color swatches. Then realized wedding planners are not necessarily needed in my culture and gave up on that dream.
I participated in my high school plays and absolutely fell in love with the stage and the work. My high school wasn’t as extravagant as other high schools but we always managed to pull off spectacular performances despite the limitations.
This time period of my life was around the time FOX’s tv show Glee was airing and there were finally Asians on a show. Sure they were extremely stereotypical just like the other Asians on the teen dramas of the early 2000’s, but nonetheless, there was some sort of representation. I thought with more Asians on tv, I could start a career in acting. That was shot down very quickly because the amount of roles for a 5’2, plus-sized, female Asian American does not exist.
See a pattern? When things get tough, I give up. Probably stems from the never ending pit of low self-esteem and not seeing myself worthy enough.
I don’t like to about the time I did plays because that person was a conniving diva. I’m pretty sure I’m still that way now and I’m still in denial about it. My personality did not start manifesting in high school though. When I think about who I was then and who I am now, I always recall the memory of when I was five years old in kindergarten.
There was a new girl who was spending more time with my best friend of the time than I was. I was not happy about this change and tried to one-up this girl. This new girl was trying to take my friend from me because I wasn’t a good enough friend. I was five. Who thinks like that when they’re five?
I’ve done a lot of terrible things. Things only me and the good Lord know about but I can admit this now. I was a bully in middle school.
I hated middle school. Those are the two years that I hate the most in the twenty-four years I’ve been alive. Hormones were kicking in, bodies were changing, and kids who didn’t care about cliques in elementary school were suddenly labeling themselves to fit in. I treated people who were labeled different like shit because kids treated me like shit too.
Even before I hit puberty, I knew I was different. I rarely talked to people who were also Hmong because I was assimilating myself to western culture.
I have given up my grudge against this person. It doesn’t bother me anymore but when I get into moods of utter despair I can’t stop thinking about how I was called whitewashed.
For those who aren’t familiar with the term, it’s a phrase used to describe a POC who is trying to be “white”. I’ve never been called this (at least not to my face anyway) but the more precise term for Asians is twinkie. Yellow on the outside and white on the inside.
I was in the seventh grade. There were events that the entire grade was doing and the teachers thought it was a wonderful idea to split the students up based on their last name. So you can imagine how many Yangs, Vangs, Xiongs, and Vues I was with. The next day I spoke with a teacher I confided in and expressed my thoughts on the grouping. She apologized to me and wished they would have sorted the students differently.
Being outed as different and being a hormonal pre-teen, I unleashed the hate that formed within me on to others. I’m ashamed I didn’t stop the bullying when I was younger because I thought I was above it all. I am not. The bullying I received, I do not wish that on anyone.
I watched a stupid YouTuber fat-shamed this fifteen year-old kpop idol for not being as thin as the other members of her group. I am even more ashamed to admit that I agreed with what he was saying.
Seriously. What the hell was I thinking? I’ve been fat-shamed my entire life and know how terrible that feeling is and how toxic the festering seed it plants. Yet, I said nothing. I just watched the stupid video and nodded my head. I let another bully get away with shit that is incredibly toxic. I’ve since unfollowed him on all social networking sites and blocked anything relating to him.
I really want to thank Kristi for kindly telling me I was wrong. I know if she had the opportunity, she’d literally knock some sense in me.
Since then, everything I thought I believed in came crashing down. I still hadn’t changed at all. I’m still that melodramatic five year-old.
Junior year of high school is the time when students are looking at colleges, studying for standardized tests, and hoping the first two years of high school was not wasted. With a new kind of attitude that relied heavily on ridiculous pride, the goals that I’ve set for myself we really high. In this point of my life I convinced myself I wanted to do be a pharmacist after my dream of being a thespian dissipated. All of the signs were there. I was not meant to be a pharmacist and yet I stubbornly went along because I believed it was too late to change. I have to say though. I met some amazing people at my first college. I even learned that I was spiritually deprived and walked around like a Pharisee.
I want to apologize to my former roommate, Kat. She deserved a better roommate. I was a huge judgmental bitch who should have been more compassionate.
The person I am now still has to grow a lot. A whole lot. It’s just every challenge I’ve faced, I backed off when because it was too difficult and stubbornly stayed on to try to prove to people that I achieve it when they said I couldn’t.
It’s so easy to talk about change and I’ve tried so many times. These past months I’ve given up on myself. I let the demons whisper every little thing I’ve done wrong. I arrived to a point where I spoke the words, “I don’t have anything to look forward to.”
After my pity party is over I list all of the things that I still have in my life. Another wonderful friend of mine posted this on her Facebook the other day.
“You are a competent person, equipped by the Holy Spirit to carry out God’s will in your daily life in a way that pleases Him, regardless of what stage of growth you may be in at the present. Your real importance in life is connected with the way you are touching other people’s lives with the love of God and the message of Christ.”
There is a lot of self-doubt in my life and I’m the hardest on myself. I tell people self-love is incredibly important. I bought a sweatshirt that has the words “LOVE MORE” on the right sleeve. How can I promote self-love when I don’t even love myself. With that being said, I pray that you all are not in the same situation as me. If you are, I hope it gets better for you.