Hello to Honesty: “Not good enough”

It’s not every concert a girl gets sung to by a kpop idol.

I did feel incredibly special because out of everyone who stood along the stage I was the one he sang in the first part of the concert. The guy sure knows how to make a girl’s heart race and make her blush like crazy.

The entire day, I stressed about what I would say to him and how I would pose. The process was super quick anyway so I shouldn’t have been so worried.

I felt confident in the outfit I wore and how my hair looked. Although I did ask Dia several times if my appearance was good enough. I thought it was fine until I saw the picture. It brought up a lot of insecurities I thought I expunged.

The day after Dia and I took pictures around the aquarium and I thought I looked super cute. I really didn’t (at least in my eyes anyway). I texted and told several people I looked like a pink boulder (I wore a lot of pink those two days). I couldn’t stop obsessing how wide and round I looked in all my pictures. The picture I took with Eric was from the waist up but even then, I felt huge (I was twice his size).

It might sound silly to a few but in my mind the image of myself is never as big as what I see in mirrors and pictures. So when I see full body pictures of myself, I’m baffled every time. I know I’m a round person. It sucks to shown the reality of it especially when I stand next to a kpop idol.

My size and my weight has always been my unshakeable burden. I cannot blame anyone for this but myself. I complain about my weight but made no effort to change. The only time I lost weight was for betting pool my siblings set up to see who could lose the most percentage weight. I got second place by the way.

Either it was late 2016 or early 2017, I started “GHWMO” posts. I don’t know why I thought that was a good idea because that was short-lived. I said I was exercising to be healthy. I knew deep down under my many layers of lies the real reason I started was to be pretty.

I know I’ve written a few posts about this topic but I cannot stop talking about. The concept of beauty never applied to me regardless if they were Western or Eastern standards. Everything about me is quite average except for my weight, corny jokes, and the number of cardigans I own.

I’ve been a having a lot of really awesome days lately because I’ve learned to not care about what others think of me. There are days where I could care less what I look like and I know I can accomplish anything because I know I’m loved and I’m a wonder in God’s eyes. But back when those good days were few and most of the year was comprised: of self-doubt, disappointment, frustration, laziness, low self-esteem, identity crises, crushing sadness, and being hungry-but-not-really-hungry, I never felt good enough for anything.

Some might say it’s dumb that all of this is because I don’t think I’m pretty. However, growing up and being told you’re not pretty enough to get married because you’re bigger than the other girls really messes with your mind. Regardless of your accomplishments, you’ll always be considered the “bigger one” who is less desirable.

I get so irritated because I can’t even get mad that someone is blatantly insulting me because of my size. If I complain about it or make a remark about how I’m more than my size I’m considered rude and disrespectful. I admit. I am totally being rude about it. I know I’m supposed to treat other the way I’m supposed to be treated but in those moments all morals are thrown away and my pettiness takes over. Another issue I need to handle.

Anyway, back to my point (I know. I got off track). Taking a picture with Eric Nam started this whole thought process. In my earlier post, I talked about how Eric sang to me and then recognized me when we took a picture. Of course, I was freaking out on the inside. I can also say Oppa noticed me in the crowd and our eyes met. Yet, in the back of my mind this voice whispered malicious things to me. For the first time in a long time, I felt I was not good enough to have received that sort of attention and I was so irritated with myself and I’m sure I irritated all those I texted as well (sending tons of love and gratitude towards Dia because she dealt with it the most).

When Dia and I got back to our hotel, I kept asking myself why out of everyone there I was sung to. There was a girl on my right who was celebrating her birthday. A few people down were the two girls who Dia and I cut. I did comment how pretty they were even though they talked bad about us. I kept thinking there were so many other prettier people in the crowd. Why, why, WHY?! Me, this 5’2 stubby Asian, was being sung to by Eric Nam and I wanted to know why!! I’ll probably never know and I can live with that.

That malicious snake said some terrible things. I told Dia when we took the picture, it was then he realized I was super chunky and regretted singing to me since I was in regular lighting and wasn’t as cute as he might have thought. Since he’s a super nice guy, he hid his emotions extremely well.

Isn’t that insane? As I typed that out, even I think it’s crazy! Why would I say stuff like that about myself? Why would I go as far as to put myself down and through another rut?

The phrase “I’m not good enough” is engrained so deep in my brain that I cannot shut it out. It’s such a cancerous phrase. No matter how many times I remove the thought, it comes back worse and worse each time.

I texted my friend Kristi about how this time I’m running and exercising so I can be pretty. What she replied reminded me I needed to get my head out of this hole (was tempted to type get my head in the game #HSM). Kristi said, “[My] reason to be pretty should never be because of a man. It should be for [myself].”

In a society that upholds ridiculous beauty standards, I cannot listen to any of that crap. I am beautiful both inside and out. Some of the words that come out of my mouth aren’t too beautiful but I can say they aren’t as bad as my middle school days. I am good enough because the Father says I am and accepts all of me. He still loves me even though I strayed far away. That, lovelies, is another post on it’s own.

All in all, Eric Nam made me feel very special and that was a huge confidence boost (after I sorted through my insecurities). Made a long-time fan extremely happy.

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