So this week I was going to talk about my anger issues. The good Lord and basically my ENTIRE family know how much of an issue this still is. However, I’m not going to talk about it. I might not even at all.
The topic of this post has been bugging me ever since I wrote the second “TBT” (which by the way is now renamed as “Hello to Honesty”).
I mentioned in a post before how I am totally fine with being by myself because just because I’m alone doesn’t mean that I’m lonely. With that being said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it from time to time.
It seems this wedding fever is slowly starting to die down and honestly I’m happy about that. Don’t get me wrong. I’m very happy for those who have arrived at that stage in their lives. I am in no way jealous either. I am not ready at all for a relationship. One needs to seek a relationship with God first and the rest will follow if it’s meant to be.
I attended what seems to be seven weddings already this year (it probably isn’t that many but it definitely feels like it). I know now to carry tissues with me since I always cry at weddings. I rarely cry during the exchange of vows. Some vows were lovely and very romantic but the love pouring from the parents of the bride and groom gets me every time.
The one thing I DREAD the most is the bouquet toss (Fun fact: a couple of years back, I caught the bouquet at my oldest sister’s wedding. Still living that single life).
I just…can’t find a good enough reason right now as to why I despise going up to catch flowers. One wedding I attended, I actually said something similar to: “Jesus is my one true love. Guess I’m out.”
But the stinking romantic side of me gushes at all this stuff. I don’t know if some of you have done this but I imagined how a conversation between me and a long-forgotten crush would play out. That conversation when down the sank to the bottom of the ocean. I read up on the red string folklore and was obsessed with the idea of soulmates being tied together as so for a while. Being a reader of YA doesn’t help at all either.
Anyway, back to my original point.
There will always be moments in my life that I ponder on the idea of someone loving me and all my flaws. Someone who will still accept me when I’m fangirling out about SHINee or a TV show. I think about all the conversations we might have about books and movie adaptions.
I may not seem like it but I’m too trusting with some people so I became this huge block of the saltiest rock salt in this universe. That saltiness gets in the way of making everlasting relationships with people. I’ve ruined a good handful of friendships because I refused to take the first step.
I made this realization a long time ago that I’m not going to be someone’s first choice, I guess not quite yet anyway. I had this beautiful friend who is adored by anyone and everyone she meets. I don’t blame all the guys who liked her because she’s such an awesome person. The guy I liked at the time probably liked her too and I was too blind to notice the signs. I studied people and made inferences based on their body language and facial expressions. I failed at reading this one guy’s signals. Honestly, I’m glad we’re just acquaintances. It really would not have worked out between us anyway.
With all of this being said, the one relationship that I haven’t been chasing after until recently is my relationship with God.
When I have finally gone through my loneliness cycle, I think about my budding relationship with Him and it makes me feel elated. He loves me for all of my flaws and understands me when I have my fangirling moments.
To make any future relationships in my life work, I needed to make that first step towards God before all else. I was seeking acceptance when I was already accepted by the greatest being of all.
Romans 8:5 NIV says:
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
So it’s okay to feel lonely sometimes. Some people still feel lonely even though they’re surrounded by people. I just need to seek God first instead of seeking for a short-term crush. God knows when it’s the right time if I’m meant to meet my one and only, you know…if I’m destined to.
Live long and prosper,
Ellen Jones Vang